Crying. I'm becoming quite good at it. I'm doing it as we speak. The waterworks are coming and I don't know why. That's not true, I know why. I'm broke, my career is disappearing, I have a headache, I'm tired, I'm tired of being tired, emotional eating is at a record high, I have writer's block, I'm more unmotivated today than ever, I suck. Fuck, I suck. I'm sad. And depressed. If I want to drop the F-bomb and start rhyming, I will. I just did. No one wants me. Or my ideas. Damnit, my ideas are good. My forehead is breaking out. I haven't had zits in over a decade. What do I do? Put some cream on it? My hair is flat. And greasy. Split ends are taking over. I've bitten my nails down to the nubs. Hot. Sexy. You know you want this. My groove is gone. I need it back. If Stella can do it, so can I. Right? Nothing's right. Everything's wrong. No zip. No zest. Just blah. Lodi Dodi, I need to party. Beer. Vodka. Strike that, give me chocolate. And ice cream. And Pringles while you're at it. Cry cry cry. Sob sob sob.
Thank God I don't play baseball. Whew, I needed that. Thanks for listening. When's the last time you really cried?
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Um, are you pregnant? Just kidding...but I totally have the binge eating and breakouts, so I can commiserate! It SUCKS!
ReplyDeleteMy hair is usually an effing disaster so on that front -- switch shampoos, DON'T condition for awhile, and only wash every few days.
And for the writing -- a 10% success rate on pitches is fab, so if you're anywhere near that, consider yourself a success. A lot of places have had freelance budget freezes the past few months so don't take it personally. (It's better than getting assigned a piece and then never...getting...paid.) It'll pick up eventually, and you'll be on their radar. Like Dory in Finding Nemo...just keep swimming.
Go have a margarita because you can ;) xo
Ellen..
ReplyDeleteCry all you like, scream if it helps you are fully entitled to throw a hissy! It won't change the fact that you are smart, funny and a joy to read. It's a temporary set back, this no job thingy.
Yes, it sucks to be broke and stressed but damn you have allot going for you. More than you see right now but it's ok. There is a light at the end of the tunnel...
Woot!
B
My ex just told me I was too old to cry. Is that even possible?
ReplyDeleteI'm going trhough the same things than you so I know those feelings.
ReplyDeleteAnd you're right to talk about it, i'm sure you feel a bit better now that you wrote it and cried. It's out of you now. Take the rest of the day for you. Give yourself a good break. Watch a movie, don't feel bad about eating things that you like, it's ok sometimes. You'll work harder at the gym when you feel better, it's not the end of the world.
Being unemployed or not doing what you want, is really hard. People think it's cool not having to go to work every day, but it's not. It's so damn hard. You feel stupid, you feel lazy even if you're not, you feel rejected, and so many other awful feelings. So yeah sometimes it feels good to cry, to complain and to take some time for yourself, so do it! You need it and you deserve it!
You write a great blog, you write a lot on it, about many subjects that a lot of people can relate to, so keep going, you're doing a great job!
I hope you feel better soon Ellen!
Feel like crying....often..
ReplyDeleteHang on in there Ellen, things will pick up.
:-)
Bitch, rant, vent all you need. Go for it, cause we all NEED to do it. It's when you pick up the pieces, and get your life on track, then you know it's all worth. It's just a minor setback, because you know things will work out. Feel better Ellen =)
ReplyDeleteLet it all out, Ellen. It WILL make you feel better. And before you know it, you'll remember again how fabulous you truly are!
ReplyDeleteMy new motto is: It's my life, I can cry if I want to.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. But I think it's really healthy to cry. There are times I know that I just need to cry until you get I headache to let it all out. My suggestion is take a really long hot shower until your hands prune. It always makes me feel better.
Feel better!
hahahahaha I liked your rhyming.
ReplyDeleteI cry pretty much every week. Sometimes it's totally justified....most of the times? I'm being stupid. Thanks for visiting my blog!!
ReplyDeleteOkay, I really hate to be saying this, but since I'm known to be extremely honest, I have no choice but admit to really crying yesterday night lol I realized I was feeling very stressed and ovewhelmed emotionally and that seemed to be the outlet :S
ReplyDeleteHope things start looking up for you soon! I believe such life phasez are here to teach us patience... And patience pays off sooner or later. usually it happens later than sooner though, bu oh well.
Thank you for your comment on my diversity post. I replyed there, but I'll copy and paste for you here (yes, I just also admitted I'm in the mood to retyping my whole rent :-) ):
"I think a lot depends on a person. I don't think there's ony one appropriate term. Some people prefer to be referred to as "black", some like "people of color", some like "African American", some "of African descent", some want to be called "brown" if anything at all... Some get offended hearing any of the above mentioned. I've really heard it all! It seems to me, some would get offended anyway, while some are okay with anything as long as it's respectful. From my personal experience, none of my black friends ever minded me saying "black". But then again, we don't talk about it until we're discussing interracial issues"
Ugh, last time I cried it was for the same reason. There's no way to understand why sometimes we just feel helpless.
ReplyDeleteBut, I will say this: You have this blog. You have stickers for your blog. I don't know you well (I don't even remember how I stumbled across your blog :P) But, from what I can tell - you're working at it! It's not easy, especially when you really do have good ideas and you're a good writer and you're funny and you're responsible and would be SUCH a good fit in so many different environments (can you tell I'm bitter & in the same boat?)... but the best thing to think about is, "Hey, at least I'm trying." You actually do work at it, and a lot of people complain all the time and aren't doing anything about it. So... at the end of the day, at least you have the ambition and patience - even if it sucks and brings you down every now and then.
Feel better!!
I can totally relate. I am at a point of being very frustrasted with my life and not understanding why it isn't stacking up to be what I want. I am just trying to get through each day and hoping that something better comes along. The last time I cried was this week, thinking about how the last year of my life hasn't been anything like what I planned and hoping that another year doesn't pass in the same way. Just from reading your blog, I think you really are fabulous. You will do great things. Keep your chin up!
ReplyDeleteThanks, guys! You made me feel MUCH better...as always :) Seriously, my life would suck without you. Did I just quote Kelly Clarkson? I think so. And Kara, NO, I'm not preggo! Geeze, can you only imagine what my hormones will be like when I am?! ack.
ReplyDelete*Hugs* I totally went through that yesterday! And every couple of weeks until I stop being a secretary with an honours degree and professional certificate! BUT in however many months or years when we're each relating the tales of how we became so successful, we'll have a hell of a story to tell. Here's to struggles making you stronger.
ReplyDeleteYou're so right, Kim. It's hard to keep going when you don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I know I'll see my way clear eventually. And you will too :)
ReplyDelete