1. Ostrich Girl: Um, she looks like an ostrich—tall, gangly, skinny. (Yes, I am so literary). Every week I see her on the machine that looks like an elliptical, except there aren't arm bars to move back and forth, and the feet pedals just move side to side. What is this called? Anyway, she "works out" as if her goal is to see how long she can be at the gym without breaking a sweat. She moves in such sloooow motion, and she's always reading a newspaper. There is no way in hell that she even burns 100 calories in an hour because she's barely MOVING. (No, she's not injured—I have witnessed her do this for the past year or so).
2. Burberry Babe: Actually, she's a rotund 45 year-old woman, but I just liked the alliteration. SO, she has a Burberry scarf and wants EVERYONE to know it. Elliptical, treadmill, it doesn't matter—that plaid scarf will be wrapped tightly around her neck no matter what. I know some people like to layer up when they work out to help to boost their calorie-burning potential, but trust me, this is not the case. Like Ostrich Girl, BB barely moves, which is how her scarf stays so perfectly in place.
3. Ren and Stimpy: Remember those crazy bastards? Anyway, this duo never ever goes to the gym without the other one. One girl is tall and lean with a Jersey Shore tan, and the other is short, pale and a bit soft. They are side by side in spinning class, on the Stair Master (they LOVE that Stair Master, man), on the treadmill, pumping iron, on stability balls—they are attached at the hip! They work out at a moderate pace, but it seems like they work out A LOT. They're always at the gym before I am, and are still there when I leave. I admit, I sometimes do a double workout in a day, but these chicks seem to never leave the gym. Who has the time?
There's also a spinning teacher that plays Enya and jungle music and NOTHING else. I always have trouble remembering her schedule, so I occasionally take her class on accident, which happened last night for the third time. It's the WORST. So boring, so unmotivating, ugh. I need a little Black Eyed Peas or SOMETHING to get me going! I digress.
Tell me: Do you have any interesting characters at your gym?
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hahaha....
ReplyDeletewe have Girl fight club. These are a group of 4 woman who "save" their spin bikes and heaven help you if you sit on THEIR bike. Police were called once.....over a bike.
Grunt man...who runs around super setting everything for hours. He is equiped with SHORT booty shorts and a man's half shirt so you must look at his muscles. He GRUNTS loudly on each rep.
Sing Star..those who decide to attempt American Idolesque skills while lifting weights. I dunno.
Badass Barbie....the figure athletes who workout 3 times a day and KNOW they look hot. Their wardrobe costs more than their car. I secretly want to be one:)
B
Awesome names! Is your gym more "Globo-gym" or "Average Joes"?I used to have great characters at the gym I was at before we moved. It was an La Fitness, but it was more like "Globo-gym" (it was even decorated in purple).
ReplyDeleteHa ha!! LOVE IT! There is a lady at my gym who always wears CRAZY pants! So far this week she has sported a shiney silver pair (think space cadet MC Hammer Pants) and a tight pair of blacks with HUGE neon orange polka dots all over! Really?!?! Does she think she looks cute? I beg to differ!
ReplyDelete*Sigh* In the old days when I actually went to the gym I'd encounter:
ReplyDeleteThe Mime: He'd jump on the elliptical and refuse to hold on to the handles and instead would do these "exercises" with his arms where he'd fling them up and forward and then out like he was stuck in some box. One time I was on the machine next to him and he almost clocked me.
The Fluffer: In the locker room she loved to walk around nude, but in a pair of pink rubber flip flops, after the shower to air dry and she'd always use the blow dryer to dry her hair...down there.
The Incredibly Annoying Hulk: He was built like Arnie in The Terminator and when I was on a machine he'd walk back and forth eying me up before asking if I was interested in personal training. He did this every couple of weeks. No MEANS no dude!!!
I actually lol'ed reading some of these. What a fun post!
ReplyDeleteThere is a HOT one-armed guy at my gym. HOT. And he doesn't let his disability keep him from pushing it.
On the other end of the spectrum, there is a man who likes to do back-bends in cotton-Lycra biker shorts. He will lift his legs in the air and "show-off" his, um...humps.
And let's not forget the eastern-european female body builders. I saw one practicing her walk in heels in the group fitness room in front of the mirrors.
Finally, there are the women who exercise in head-scarves and skirts over pants so they can adhere to their strict religious tenant, but stay fit. More power to you, ladies! The body is a temple, even if no one sees it.
SCS
Yes! The Treadmill Dancer... this girl has the sickest treadmill skills. She can go forwards, backwards, sideways, and she can just turn around and jump from one move to the next without even slowing down. Oh and she does it with weights on her shoulders. No big deal.
ReplyDeleteDude, you guys are totally showing me up on my OWN blog!! Hilarious character descriptions! Should I make this a regular post?
ReplyDeleteOh fyi, George, I go to NYSC...not sure if it's Globo gym. It's big and has a lot of classes, but it's really not that intimidating. Most upscale/fitness buffs in NYC go to Equinox. One day, when I have the money, I want to join just for the chance to run side by side with Diddy on the treadmill!
haahha this is hilarious. i talk about this in my post today. there IS this dude that wears ALL RED and short shorts and a red sweat band on his head. and there's this asian lady who sweats so much....you can see a sweat stain around her ass/shows her undies. UGH.
ReplyDeletethis post (and the comments) are HYSTERICAL!!! elle, i've also spotted burberry babe! she was wearing a black puffy vest, a silver dress watch (that i was kind diggin'), and oversized black sunglasses...all of which were highly inappropriate for the yoga (or was it total body conditioning?) class we were in.
ReplyDeleteP.S. i like that machine that ostrich girl uses! it's actually supposed to simulate skating or roller blading, i think it's good for those times when you know you have to keep on moving but you're feeling lazy and just want to watch TV. for me, anyway. kick it up to 12 and it's actually pretty challenging!
ReplyDeleteThea, let me know next time you're heading to the gym so we can laugh at these characters together! And good to know about that machine...perhaps it's one I should try when I'm hungover?
ReplyDeleteMy favorite person at our old gym was this girl who used to do the most ridiculous attention-whore workouts. She was a gymnast (she actually trained at the gymnastics school where I taught) and one of her favorite moves was to do handstand push-ups in the middle of the gym -- no wall support -- for, like, three minutes straight, until she had an audience of meatheads gathered around her. And you couldn't miss her, because she worked out for six hours a day.
ReplyDeleteOf course, reading the comment about the treadmill dancer, she seems kinda normal now...haha.
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ReplyDelete