1. Ostrich Girl: Um, she looks like an ostrich—tall, gangly, skinny. (Yes, I am so literary). Every week I see her on the machine that looks like an elliptical, except there aren't arm bars to move back and forth, and the feet pedals just move side to side. What is this called? Anyway, she "works out" as if her goal is to see how long she can be at the gym without breaking a sweat. She moves in such sloooow motion, and she's always reading a newspaper. There is no way in hell that she even burns 100 calories in an hour because she's barely MOVING. (No, she's not injured—I have witnessed her do this for the past year or so).
2. Burberry Babe: Actually, she's a rotund 45 year-old woman, but I just liked the alliteration. SO, she has a Burberry scarf and wants EVERYONE to know it. Elliptical, treadmill, it doesn't matter—that plaid scarf will be wrapped tightly around her neck no matter what. I know some people like to layer up when they work out to help to boost their calorie-burning potential, but trust me, this is not the case. Like Ostrich Girl, BB barely moves, which is how her scarf stays so perfectly in place.
3. Ren and Stimpy: Remember those crazy bastards? Anyway, this duo never ever goes to the gym without the other one. One girl is tall and lean with a Jersey Shore tan, and the other is short, pale and a bit soft. They are side by side in spinning class, on the Stair Master (they LOVE that Stair Master, man), on the treadmill, pumping iron, on stability balls—they are attached at the hip! They work out at a moderate pace, but it seems like they work out A LOT. They're always at the gym before I am, and are still there when I leave. I admit, I sometimes do a double workout in a day, but these chicks seem to never leave the gym. Who has the time?
There's also a spinning teacher that plays Enya and jungle music and NOTHING else. I always have trouble remembering her schedule, so I occasionally take her class on accident, which happened last night for the third time. It's the WORST. So boring, so unmotivating, ugh. I need a little Black Eyed Peas or SOMETHING to get me going! I digress.
Tell me: Do you have any interesting characters at your gym?