Sunday, March 7, 2010

Ramblings and insight from a subway bum

Friday night I got on a packed subway train heading downtown, surprised to find an open seat. Next to it I saw a bum holding a beer can, swaying from side to side, spewing all sorts of nonsense. That explained the empty seat. Typically, I would have walked as far as possible in the opposite direction, but as I started to tune into the random shit he was saying, I thought it might be funny to sit down next to him. Here's what he had to say (all the while covering the entire right side of my body in spit): 

"All women look beautiful, especially the ones who are getting older." Someone who thinks forehead wrinkles are sexy? I did not know such a person existed. Upon hearing that statement, I gladly gave him the 75 cents I had been jingling in my pocket.

"Why did Oprah go an' get married?" WHAT?! Oprah's married? I was two seconds from calling my friends at InTouch Weekly with the breaking news until I realized there was no supporting evidence on the internet. Damn.

"Everyone on this train who has a beer, you deserve it. You DEE-serve it!" I'll remember this the next time I go out drinking at an event instead of finishing those story pitches that have been on my To-Do list for a month. 

"Do you know what it's like to go home after Dancing With the Stars and have some good sex? I mean some GOOD sex?" I'm not entirely sure what this means, but um, Ok. Who can answer the man's question?

"Even materialistic people have to take a shit." Remember these party snobs I wrote about long ago? Maybe I'll remind them of this the next time I see them out.

"One thing about a woman is...she needs a vibrator. Yes. She does." True story.

And then he got up and pointed to me and said, "She got a stank ass." Lovely. What's the craziest shit you've seen on the subway?


  1. i'm public defender so i hear the most messed up, weirdest, funniest stuff. great post, made me laugh

  2. Johnny, you can't give a build-up like that and not deliver! C'mon now!

  3. Great and funny post Ellen,

    I helped set up a homeless project that's still going strong. You wouldn't believe some of the strange guys that come through the doors on a Friday morning.
    One memorable chap insisted on being called 'Wild Child', and he carried a light sabre in his rucksack (which he was convinced was real - probably due to his various types of 'medication'). He was always asking us odd questions in the hope of getting us to reveal our alien identities as he was the true defender of earth! Any move to try to explain that this wasn't maybe rational thinking was usually met with a violent outburst followed by a threat with the sabre.