Monday, April 12, 2010

Things That Should Be Illegal: Take 2

Ranting, list-making, let's do THIS! Things that should be illegal:

1. Rapping on the subway. "You're all up in my face, such a disgrace, I ain't got this kinda time to WASTE. Yeah...Uh..." You are not Eminem. Or Jigga, or Weezy or Rick or 50. And flow that rhymes? It's wiggity wiggity WHACK, yo!

2. Not picking up your dog's shit. Oh wait, that IS illegal. (Um, right?) Hey guy in 5D, you owe New York City about $5,000. And since my tennis shoes have your pooch's poo all over them, I'll take a new pair of New Balances sneaks. Size 7.5, pleaze.

3. Coming into a clothing store 60 seconds before closing. And browsing like you have no idea what time it is. Chick, it's 7:59 on a Monday night. Is it necessary to make a mess of all the jeans/scarves/T-shirts I just neatly folded? This seriously should be illegal. I will personally handcuff the next person who does this to me.

4. WHAT HAPPENED?! Ok, so if you don't live in New York or New Jersey, you might not know what I'm talking about. Lucky you. There are actually people who say "What happened?" or, more times than not, "Wha happenin'?" when they didn't hear something you said. So instead of saying, "Pardon?" or "Come again?" or "What did you say?" it's WHAT HAPPENED?

5. Waiting more than four minutes in line at Starbucks. Repeat after me: Grande.skim.latte. Grandeskimlatte, Grandeskimlatte—same drink, different day. Get it right and make it speedy.

6. Snooki. I said it once, and upon seeing this pic, I just had to say it again. Head to toe, that shit should be illegal.

7. Calling something "little guy." Like, when you're not referring to a boy under the age of ten. Necklaces are not little guys. Neither are muffins.

8. Kim Kardashian's ass. But that's only because I'm jealous.

9. Calling someone you've known less than a month by their nickname. This drives me NUTS. I take nicknames seriously. You should be supa dupa close to someone before you go calling them a name their childhood besties gave them. It was at least six months before I was comfortable enough to call one of my best guy friends from high school by his. (Hi, Bull!)

10. Umm, I dunno. I'm all outta juice. You tell me. What else should be illegal? If you missed my first TTSBI post, peep it here!


  1. Having a driver's license after the age of 70! SERIOUSLY!!!

  2. Giant fold-out maps of NYC that apparently only work when unfolded in the dead center of the crowded sidewalk.

  3. Mondays should be illegal. Everything about them.

  4. Bahaha at the Kim K.'s ass comment. I hear you loud and clear on that one. The store thing bugs me too, and I don't even work in retail. I won't go in less than 15 minutes before a store closes unless I have a reasonable amount of time for what I need - e.g. coffee with ten minutes left. Having said that, I hate getting dirty looks and bad service with 25 minutes before close and I just need a size. I'm not making a mess and they're still getting paid.

  5. Hahaha, isn't the "Wha Happen'?" from "A Mighty Wind"?

  6. I'm always shopping when the store is closing, I'm only sorry that you don't stay open later.

  7. Not getting your wallet out of your giant bag BEFORE getting to the cashier should be illegal, particularly when I'm in line behind you. Or writing a personal check or using a coupon when there's a long line. GRRRRR.

    Oh, and wearing patterned pants. Or tapered pants. Or having a mullet. Or not signalling before pulling out in front of me on the road.

    I could go on all day. I better stop.

  8. leggings as pants.
    visible panty line.
    and sucking up to someone. so fake!

  9. 1. Rubber flip flops in places other than the beach.
    2. Spitting on the sidewalk! Wait, isn't it illegal?
    3. Screaming at your kids on the subway-or anywhere!
    4. A connecting train across the platform LEAVING as your train is coming in.
    5. Cabbies who won't go to Brooklyn.

    Ugh. I could totally keep going....

  10. what about people who stand in front of the subway turnstile and look for their metro card in their bag. UGH! i want to smack them on 'accident' with my purse.

  11. 1. saying smoking "sensation"--it is smokign CESSATION!
    2.saying irregardless-its not a damn word!
    3. people whose first language is english, but don't have mastery of the enlish language, (see 1&2) yet want to scream at non native enlish speakers to "speak english!"
    3. the american work model.--40 hours, 5 days a week, no siestas, 2 weeks vacay (if you're lucky) who the FUCK thought that was they way to live your life?!
    4. any woman over the age of 22 wearing victoria's secret PINK anything.
    5. 7 way intersections that are so prevalent in states south of the mason dixon line. an intersection should have 4 ways, that's it!
    6. kim kardashian and all other F-list "whorelebrities" whose only reason for fame is a sex tape.
    7. leggings as pants.
    8. leggists as pants if you are overweight--capital offense
    9. teenagers unaccompanied by a parent or legal guardian in public. they're like fucking animals these days, and don't deserve freedom!
    10. cabbies who pick me and my friends up even when they have no fair...

    i'll stop here, but obviously i could go on ellen.

  12. 1- white rimmed sunglasses
    2- people that think you have to shave to look good/professional
    3- the fact that weed is illegal should be illegal
    4- getting stuck behind a school bus making stops
    5- serving 16 oz cokes out of the machines (what happened to 12 oz cans? really, we are already fat?)

  13. Haha...I never realized "what happened?" was a regional thing. Totally guilty!

    ^^ I'm also guilty of rubber flip-flops every day of the week. As soon as the weather hits 60 degrees, the Havaianas come out (I have eight pairs) and don't go back in the closet until early November.

    I think it should be illegal to grunt during weight-lifting. Dude, suffer in silence, or take the last five pounds off because you obviously can't handle it.

  14. Wait, I'm LOL at Nadette's #3. I double-hate signs that say "Welcome to America, speak English!" because that's a run-on sentence.

    Unrelated, but the sign thing reminded me -- I also hate when people use quotation marks when they should really be underlining. 9W Deli's menu used to always say, WE SERVE "FRESH" FISH! Eww.

  15. Ok, so you guys are definitely more clever than I am. Nice work. I agree with pretty much everything said, but the highlights for me are:

    1. Grannies behind the wheel
    2. Not having your wallet ready in the grocery line
    3. Missing your connecting train by 30 seconds
    4. Irregardless (Not a word, right. Point noted. I THINK I knew that, but I can't be sure.)
    5. White rimmed sunglasses
    6. Grunting while lifting weights
    7. Misuse of quotations marks ("Fresh" fish, SERIOUSLY!?)

    Ohh and do Havianas count as the rubber flip flops? If so, I'm actually an offender. I was envisioning the super-duper thick rubber ones that look like platforms. And I've come THISCLOSE to wearing the PINK sweatpants with the writing on the butt. I've always wanted a pair, but Nadette, I don't want to break one of your laws :)

  16. lol Ellen. i'm really glad you've decided to live within the law, because even though i love your blog, if i saw you wearing PINK sweatpants, i would totally give you the SIDE EYE [like I gave this massively overweight girl wearing jeggings as pants today on my way home from work--hot. damn. mess.] :P
    but you're laws are hilarious. i'm with you on the dog poop thing. i live in baltimore, even though there is a pooper scooper law, its not enforced. i also have the audacity to live in the gayborhood, which means everyone and their partner has a dog or three. and there is shit EVERYWHERE. and when it snowed, it was even worse because NOBODY picked up after their dog. can we say, dodge the poop.

  17. omg, does everyone (please) remember the Friends episode where Joey couldn't figure out how to use air quotations?!?! i'm "sorry" will forever make me laugh out loud.