Monday, April 19, 2010

Ellen Collis: Private Eye

Happy Monday, guys! Let's start the week off with a little celebrity dish, shall we? During my short-lived tabloid reporting career, I was sent on a few exciting assignments. At the time, they were nerve-wracking as hell, but now I look back at the memories and laugh. One time I was sent to spy on Brangelina's kids at school (yes, I know, I'm a terrible person.) I was peeking through fences and the whole nine. I didn't get a ton of juicy scoop, but one reason for that might have been the fact that I was cruising around town in a rental car brighter than Big Bird. Um, I wasn't exactly rolling around town incognito! At one point a teacher started walking towards my car and I drove off. I called my editor (not the one who fired me) to tell him, and he said,"Oh yeah, I'm sure they've got your license plate number by now!" as if it was no thang. Um, right. He was a crazy character. I'm pretty certain if I had called him from jail to tell him I had been arrested for trespassing, he would have been really excited about it.

Another time I had to drive to a random town in New Jersey to pick up divorce papers that documented infidelities of an A-list celebrity. It was my first time driving in and out of the city, and to say that I was a hot scared mess would be a major understatement. But, I pulled it together and got the job DONE. I have a little secret on how exactly I made it happen, but I'm taking that with me to the grave!

The biggest story I did was in Pennsylvania on the Gosselin family. I was in four (or was it five?) cities in just a few days digging up all the dirt I could find on Jon and Kate's mess of a marriage. And it must be mentioned that I was sent WITHOUT a GPS. Anyone who knows me is laughing hysterically right now because they know (and have possibly witnessed) that I have the worst sense of direction in the world. I printed out like 10 different directions and maps online of all the possible places I might be going. And once I actually got to PA, I found a Kinko's and printed off several more.

My adventure was pretty much like what you see in the movies. I knocked on neighbors' doors (several of which were slammed in my face), and went to bars, grocery stores, malls, restaurants, nail salons, etc. to talk to as many people as possible. I got a lot of great scoop, and quickly realized a common theme: Kate is a raging BIOTCH. I'm sure Jon has plenty of issues of his own (his horrid fashion sense being a minor one), but everyone who knew the fam had terrible things to say about Kate. Here are just a few things I learned:

1. She gets every for FREE (I suppose we all figured that). She'd even expense the smallest thing, like a Starbucks coffee. Umm yeah, I'm jealous. And from the sound of it, so was everyone in town. Why? Well...

2. According to several sources I talked to (including a former co-worker at the hospital Kate worked at), she got two fertility treatments in one day at two different hospitals. I'm not sure why, but obviously she was up to something. People are very resentful of her "fame" because it seemed to be far from an accident.

3. A neighbor told me that when the Gosselins moved into the neighborhood, she brought over a lasagna dish. THREE MONTHS later the dish was returned on the neighbor's front stoop. Without a thank you note.

4. Another neighbor complimented her fugly peacock haircut (Why? I have no idea), and Kate scrunched up her nose and gave her a nasty "Why-the-hell-are-you-speaking-to-me?!" look. I repeat, NO ONE is jealous of you, Kate!

5. On the first day of school one year, all the moms were taking pictures of their children. Naturally, Kate assumed the pics were being taken of her kids and went berserk and made a huge scene.

Umm yeah, it was an interesting experience to say the least! I kinda liked being a private eye, but I'll certainly be happy if I never have to do a job like that again. It was CRAZY! What do you think of the Gosselin fam? And Kate? And if you could spy on any celeb--who would it be?!


  1. Ummm...seriously - this is my new favorite blog. Can we please talk about celeb gossip ALL day long?? I have a feeling I could pick your brain for hours. :)

    I don't really care about the Gosselins. I never really watched the show and now I just think they are annoying. But...poor kiddos are gonna have a rough life!

  2. Ughhhh Kate Gosselin. It is no surprise that she's a raging bitch. And to spazz that her children's photos MIGHT be taken...considering she puts her family life up there for the world to a tad hypocritical.

  3. i LOVE the fact the kate looks like a big dyslexic cow on dancing with the stars. i can't help but laugh every time she even attempts to pick up her feet. not to mention her facial expressions. maybe she is more like a zombie than a cow. i just use cow because that is what my dance teacher used to yell at us....

  4. wait. lmao @ MaryAllen's big dislexic cow statement. that's f'n hilarious!.
    I'm pretty disgusted with the Gosselin mess. It kinda makes me sad to know that Kate is a raging bitch, andt that her claim to fame was likely no accident. while i am an avid bravo-reality junky, this whole trend of whoring yourself (and your family) out on TV for money is really gross to me. I feel bad for the gosselin kids, they don't have a shot in hell at not being crazier than a barrel of monkeys. and one of the twins, maddy, is exactly like kate--little bitch in the making (yeah i just called a 9 year old a bitch, i'm goin to hell). Ellen I could totally never work in that type of job, I can't believe you actually did that kind of work, and while it sucks you got fired, I'm really glad you didn't like it and that you wuold never do it again. you're just too fabulous for that sort of work

  5. I honestly am NOT a Kate fan...she drives me CRAZY!!!!!!!! (and that is an understatement!)

  6. Loving this post! I can only imagine what your life was like. It must've been a hoot :)

  7. wow, I'm sure that was an interesting time for you! :) What a fun story, thanks for sharing!

  8. Kate is a bitch, who somehow seems to get more attractive every time i see her on tv...

    I would initially jump at the opportunity to spy on a sports star or major rapper. However, after giving it about 30 seconds of thought, i would stay away from that bc if they made me, I would be in some trouble. my life is something i don't like to play with.

    I dunno, i like my privacy, i don't see myself prying into a celebrities private life.

  9. I definitely would not be spying on a rap star EVER or anyone remotely associated with the rap industry after some of the run ins I've had in Atlanta. For instance, being told by a major producer that the trait he looks for most in a woman is a "fat P****". I can't imagine what kind of crap I'd find out about him if I spied for even 10 minutes!

    I would like to actually spend some time with Jen Anniston. Not necessarily spy on her but just see what she is like. I have to think there is a small grain of truth in the type a, kind of desperate personality that has been hoisted on her in the tabloids but I also think she seems like she works hard to play hard and I admire that trait.

  10. Thaaanks, Jess. Yes, celebrity gossip is quite fun. I'll try to round up more stories for future posts!

    Perfectly put, MA :)

    I know, Nadette, poor kids! Kate totally favors Maddy, which obviously that isn't exactly a positive thing because like you said, she's totally turning into her mom! And yeah, sometimes I can't believe I did that job either--even if it was just for three months!

    Yep, SU, a "hoot" is certainly one way to describe this time in my life! It was pretty scary at times, but I'd always look back and just laugh. Talk about stories to tell the grandchildren one day!!

    Hi Tiffany! Glad you enjoyed it :)

    Flip, that's because she spends like seven hours a day grooming herself! Not to mention all the nips and tucks she's had. And yeah, I don't think I'd like to spy on any celeb I really liked or looked up to because I'm pretty certain I'd just be disappointed.

    Whoa, Berryfine! Grosss. haha. And I agree with Anniston...I'd love to know what she REALLY is like. She always projects the whole confident, girl next door vibe during interviews, but I have a feeling that might not totally be who she is. Who knows!

  11. I know I shouldn't, but I LOVE Kate. I was a FAITHFUL watcher of her show and so I feel some sort of loyalty despite all the horrible things I continue to hear about her.

    In fact, your post made me go out and youtube all the dancing with the stars dances (I don't watch the show, but I had been wondering about how she did... btw, she was bad! It was about as painful to watch her as it is to watch the first few weeks of american idol).