Ellen Collis: Private Eye

Happy Monday, guys! Let's start the week off with a little celebrity dish, shall we? During my short-lived tabloid reporting career, I was sent on a few exciting assignments. At the time, they were nerve-wracking as hell, but now I look back at the memories and laugh. One time I was sent to spy on Brangelina's kids at school (yes, I know, I'm a terrible person.) I was peeking through fences and the whole nine. I didn't get a ton of juicy scoop, but one reason for that might have been the fact that I was cruising around town in a rental car brighter than Big Bird. Um, I wasn't exactly rolling around town incognito! At one point a teacher started walking towards my car and I drove off. I called my editor (not the one who fired me) to tell him, and he said,"Oh yeah, I'm sure they've got your license plate number by now!" as if it was no thang. Um, right. He was a crazy character. I'm pretty certain if I had called him from jail to tell him I had been arrested for trespassing, he would have been really excited about it.

Another time I had to drive to a random town in New Jersey to pick up divorce papers that documented infidelities of an A-list celebrity. It was my first time driving in and out of the city, and to say that I was a hot scared mess would be a major understatement. But, I pulled it together and got the job DONE. I have a little secret on how exactly I made it happen, but I'm taking that with me to the grave!

The biggest story I did was in Pennsylvania on the Gosselin family. I was in four (or was it five?) cities in just a few days digging up all the dirt I could find on Jon and Kate's mess of a marriage. And it must be mentioned that I was sent WITHOUT a GPS. Anyone who knows me is laughing hysterically right now because they know (and have possibly witnessed) that I have the worst sense of direction in the world. I printed out like 10 different directions and maps online of all the possible places I might be going. And once I actually got to PA, I found a Kinko's and printed off several more.

My adventure was pretty much like what you see in the movies. I knocked on neighbors' doors (several of which were slammed in my face), and went to bars, grocery stores, malls, restaurants, nail salons, etc. to talk to as many people as possible. I got a lot of great scoop, and quickly realized a common theme: Kate is a raging BIOTCH. I'm sure Jon has plenty of issues of his own (his horrid fashion sense being a minor one), but everyone who knew the fam had terrible things to say about Kate. Here are just a few things I learned:

1. She gets every for FREE (I suppose we all figured that). She'd even expense the smallest thing, like a Starbucks coffee. Umm yeah, I'm jealous. And from the sound of it, so was everyone in town. Why? Well...

2. According to several sources I talked to (including a former co-worker at the hospital Kate worked at), she got two fertility treatments in one day at two different hospitals. I'm not sure why, but obviously she was up to something. People are very resentful of her "fame" because it seemed to be far from an accident.

3. A neighbor told me that when the Gosselins moved into the neighborhood, she brought over a lasagna dish. THREE MONTHS later the dish was returned on the neighbor's front stoop. Without a thank you note.

4. Another neighbor complimented her fugly peacock haircut (Why? I have no idea), and Kate scrunched up her nose and gave her a nasty "Why-the-hell-are-you-speaking-to-me?!" look. I repeat, NO ONE is jealous of you, Kate!

5. On the first day of school one year, all the moms were taking pictures of their children. Naturally, Kate assumed the pics were being taken of her kids and went berserk and made a huge scene.

Umm yeah, it was an interesting experience to say the least! I kinda liked being a private eye, but I'll certainly be happy if I never have to do a job like that again. It was CRAZY! What do you think of the Gosselin fam? And Kate? And if you could spy on any celeb--who would it be?!

How good is your sense of direction?

I already mentioned the story I'm about to share on my Facebook fan page (which, ahem, you would know if you are in fact a fan), and FnF reader, Elizabeth, suggested I blog about it, too. I'm sure this won't come as a surprise, but I am absolutely horrible with directions. Horrible. Yesterday after work, I heard a man, obviously a tourist, tell his two little boys, "I hope we're walking north because I want to take you to this famous deli, called Katz's!" Oh no, oh no, I thought, they are going south! Faaar south. Occasionally when I overhear a conversation and know someone is heading in the wrong direction, I will offer my unsolicited help. For whatever reason though, I didn't last night, and I felt totally guilty about it afterwards. It was freezing outside, and the dad and his two sons were at least a 15-minute walk from where they needed to be. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

It is a sin not to help someone with directions in this crazy city, especially when it's cold out. Lord knows I had to ask a million people for directions when I first moved to to New York. Hell, I still do on occasion when I'm in a 'hood I don't frequent often. But I guess that's the difference. I ASK people for help, and even though I've lived here for over five years, I'm not embarrassed about it. (Well, except when I'm entertaining out-of-town guests). There is no way that man asked anyone for help--he was just too far away from his destination. Eh, men.

It's a wonder I can navigate my way around Manhattan. It took me forever to be confident on the subway--just look at that map! One time I got really lost driving my boyfriend home from the airport. Umm, we were in Lexington, KY--the city I lived in for 18 years! I was incredibly embarrassed, especially because we hadn't been dating that long. I had hoped he wouldn't discover my ditzy side until much, much later. Oops.

Surprisingly though, I drove to four different cities in Pennsylvania for a John Gosselin story when I was working as a tabloid reporter, and managed to do OK. I didn't have a GPS or a Blackberry, so I had to find random Kinko's stores and print out the maps. Of course I got lost a few times, but I was pretty impressed with myself. Hmm, maybe I need to pretend my life job is on the line every time I need to go somewhere. Despite my lack of sleep on that fun little excursion (can you hear my sarcasm?), I suppose I was more alert than normal, which is something I should practice more often.

What about you guys: How is your sense of direction? Have you ever been lost in New York?! It's the worst!