Ellen Collis: Private Eye

Happy Monday, guys! Let's start the week off with a little celebrity dish, shall we? During my short-lived tabloid reporting career, I was sent on a few exciting assignments. At the time, they were nerve-wracking as hell, but now I look back at the memories and laugh. One time I was sent to spy on Brangelina's kids at school (yes, I know, I'm a terrible person.) I was peeking through fences and the whole nine. I didn't get a ton of juicy scoop, but one reason for that might have been the fact that I was cruising around town in a rental car brighter than Big Bird. Um, I wasn't exactly rolling around town incognito! At one point a teacher started walking towards my car and I drove off. I called my editor (not the one who fired me) to tell him, and he said,"Oh yeah, I'm sure they've got your license plate number by now!" as if it was no thang. Um, right. He was a crazy character. I'm pretty certain if I had called him from jail to tell him I had been arrested for trespassing, he would have been really excited about it.

Another time I had to drive to a random town in New Jersey to pick up divorce papers that documented infidelities of an A-list celebrity. It was my first time driving in and out of the city, and to say that I was a hot scared mess would be a major understatement. But, I pulled it together and got the job DONE. I have a little secret on how exactly I made it happen, but I'm taking that with me to the grave!

The biggest story I did was in Pennsylvania on the Gosselin family. I was in four (or was it five?) cities in just a few days digging up all the dirt I could find on Jon and Kate's mess of a marriage. And it must be mentioned that I was sent WITHOUT a GPS. Anyone who knows me is laughing hysterically right now because they know (and have possibly witnessed) that I have the worst sense of direction in the world. I printed out like 10 different directions and maps online of all the possible places I might be going. And once I actually got to PA, I found a Kinko's and printed off several more.

My adventure was pretty much like what you see in the movies. I knocked on neighbors' doors (several of which were slammed in my face), and went to bars, grocery stores, malls, restaurants, nail salons, etc. to talk to as many people as possible. I got a lot of great scoop, and quickly realized a common theme: Kate is a raging BIOTCH. I'm sure Jon has plenty of issues of his own (his horrid fashion sense being a minor one), but everyone who knew the fam had terrible things to say about Kate. Here are just a few things I learned:

1. She gets every for FREE (I suppose we all figured that). She'd even expense the smallest thing, like a Starbucks coffee. Umm yeah, I'm jealous. And from the sound of it, so was everyone in town. Why? Well...

2. According to several sources I talked to (including a former co-worker at the hospital Kate worked at), she got two fertility treatments in one day at two different hospitals. I'm not sure why, but obviously she was up to something. People are very resentful of her "fame" because it seemed to be far from an accident.

3. A neighbor told me that when the Gosselins moved into the neighborhood, she brought over a lasagna dish. THREE MONTHS later the dish was returned on the neighbor's front stoop. Without a thank you note.

4. Another neighbor complimented her fugly peacock haircut (Why? I have no idea), and Kate scrunched up her nose and gave her a nasty "Why-the-hell-are-you-speaking-to-me?!" look. I repeat, NO ONE is jealous of you, Kate!

5. On the first day of school one year, all the moms were taking pictures of their children. Naturally, Kate assumed the pics were being taken of her kids and went berserk and made a huge scene.

Umm yeah, it was an interesting experience to say the least! I kinda liked being a private eye, but I'll certainly be happy if I never have to do a job like that again. It was CRAZY! What do you think of the Gosselin fam? And Kate? And if you could spy on any celeb--who would it be?!