Ramblings and insight from a subway bum

Friday night I got on a packed subway train heading downtown, surprised to find an open seat. Next to it I saw a bum holding a beer can, swaying from side to side, spewing all sorts of nonsense. That explained the empty seat. Typically, I would have walked as far as possible in the opposite direction, but as I started to tune into the random shit he was saying, I thought it might be funny to sit down next to him. Here's what he had to say (all the while covering the entire right side of my body in spit): 

"All women look beautiful, especially the ones who are getting older." Someone who thinks forehead wrinkles are sexy? I did not know such a person existed. Upon hearing that statement, I gladly gave him the 75 cents I had been jingling in my pocket.

"Why did Oprah go an' get married?" WHAT?! Oprah's married? I was two seconds from calling my friends at InTouch Weekly with the breaking news until I realized there was no supporting evidence on the internet. Damn.

"Everyone on this train who has a beer, you deserve it. You DEE-serve it!" I'll remember this the next time I go out drinking at an event instead of finishing those story pitches that have been on my To-Do list for a month. 

"Do you know what it's like to go home after Dancing With the Stars and have some good sex? I mean some GOOD sex?" I'm not entirely sure what this means, but um, Ok. Who can answer the man's question?

"Even materialistic people have to take a shit." Remember these party snobs I wrote about long ago? Maybe I'll remind them of this the next time I see them out.

"One thing about a woman is...she needs a vibrator. Yes. She does." True story.

And then he got up and pointed to me and said, "She got a stank ass." Lovely. What's the craziest shit you've seen on the subway?